Recently, I finished reading a fabulous book, A Radical Awakening by Dr. Shefali. True to its name, the book woke me up from a sleep. I thought I was aware of my limiting beliefs and unconscious patterns, but this book took my awakening to a whole new level. Although it's difficult to summarise the whole of this wonderfully written book, but I do intend to highlight some of the key ideas presented by her:
Our Drives
The book primarily uncovers how our behaviours are driven. It talks about how our biology shapes us, psychology moulds us & culture scares us.
We all are driven by the triple threat - Approval, Validation & Praise!
We are hungry for 2 foods- Love & Worth.
Attention, Acceptance & Validation are the prizes we obsess over. Our repetitive patterns are the outcome of the three primary questions that we subconsciously seek answers for:
Am I loved?
Am I seen?
Am I worthy?
The Many Faces of Our Ego
These innate drives play out in the form of ego and we all wear various faces of ego in our day to day life. The Giver, The Controller & The Taker are 3 Broad categories of the many faces of Ego. The questions pertaining to each type are directly taken from the book. Check which category you most resonate with:
A. The Givers
Givers are typically codependent meaning they are highly dependent on another validation one could go as far as to say that their entire sense of self depends on it so much so that without this they feel as if they don't exist. Givers want to show the world how good they are. They cannot bear to be seen as self absorbed.
The Victim
Do you feel as if you are the poor one in your life and work?
Do you feel as if people are take advantage of you?
Do you feel sorry for yourself and wish things were different?
Do you feel as if you are right and they are wrong?
Do you feel insulted and belittled by others?
Do you expect things from others that don't come to fruition?
Do you feel as if you are an innocent target for others' wrath?
Do you share your woes with others expecting sympathy and then feel upset when you don't get it?
Do you feel if others were different then you would be different?
The Martyr
Do you see your role in labels such as mother Teresa or some heroic Saint figure?
Do you walk into spaces and situations and take over the whole show?
Do you typically endure your hard work through noble suffering and silence?
Do you feel burned out by all you have put on your shoulders?
Do you feel resentful because you feel taken for granted?
The Savior
My giving allows me to feel significant and useful, valid and worthy
My giving allows me to not confront my own pain about the others pain
My giving allows me to ward off the discomfort of tolerating the unknown
My giving allows me to feel superior and competent, powerful and in control
My giving attracts broken people to me allowing me to continue this cycle
My giving allows others to depend on me which give me a sense of power
My giving allows me to not learn to be a receiver
My giving means I could distract myself from my own self care.
The Bleeding Empath
The capacity to fill the others pain to a deep degree.
The capacity for compassion for others' circumstances.
The desire to alleviate the other's suffering.
The willingness to help others at any cost.
The inability to hold clear and consistent boundaries.
The inability to ask for help and receive it with openness.
The incapacity to clearly state my needs without guilt.
The tendency to feel hurt when the other doesn't appreciate or validate me.
The hardship in saying no and facing conflict.
The inability to tolerate conflict and tension
The desire to have others need and depend on me.
The tendency to be supergiving & be super helpful.
B. The Controllers
Controllers are highly anxious people who convert their anxiety into controlling their environment so that they can feel in charge and competent. They disguise themselves as achievers in the case of perfectionists, worrying care takers in the case of helicopters, dominating control freaks in the case of tyrants and impenetrable rigidity in the case of shields. The controllers want to be seen as how competent they are. They cannot bear to be seen as a failure.
The Perfectionist
You have to constantly do and perform in order to feel good
You need to either Excel or give up, average is unacceptable
You cannot trust anyone to do the job because they might mess it up
You should double check everything and conduct risk assessments
You should do more, try harder
You need to focus on the one percent that went wrong or that might go wrong
You don't want to start new projects unless you are assured of success
You need to be highly critical of yourself when you don't reach the outcome you desire
When things don't go as planned this means you are incompetent and unworthy
The Helicopter
Overpossession - the other is seen as a direct extension of the self
Overprotection - the other is treated as a precious object to be safeguarded
Overscheduling - life is micro managed and schedule to the minute
Overcriticism - finding blame with everyone and everything
Overmanagement - the others life is managed as if it were ones own
Overinvolvement - boundaries are crossed and the others life is taken over
The Passive-Aggressive Tyrant
Combo of giver and controller
She says yes to all the requests made of her without discretion until she is exhausted and rageful
She doesn't speak up about her needs until she burns out and breaks down
She ignores her self-care to the point of developing chronic illness
She controls others and micro managers them through guilt.
The Shield
Stoic and unemotional
Rational detached and logical in arguments
On the serious and quite side unable to let loose
Over achieving, over successful and over organised
Is a walking Google of sorts keeps data and facts at a finger tips
Avoid emotional movies or conversations
Is the person others turn to for disaster control
C. The Takers
Takers operate out of a lack of self governance. Divorced from their internal power, they glom on to others and extract their resources as their lifeline. Takers depend on others to do things for them and to provide emotional sustenance.
The Diva
The need to be the star of attention
The need to receive only positive validation
Negative feedback is a plague
The need to be perceived as better than anyone else
The need to be treated with kid gloves
The Princess
Defaulting to helplessness and not knowing how to do things
Terror of entering adulthood and being responsible
Purchasing attention and love through helplessness
Protecting the psyche from failure by being passive
A sense of entitlement and anger when help isn't given
The Child
Stays inactive and passive in decision making
Stays paralyzed about taking actions & others are forced to take it for her
Unable to tolerate pain and bypasses it to achieve cheerfulness
Great denial about the painful truth about her life
Insistence of stating she is happy even when authentic expression is not present
Lack of insight & awareness into her own or others true feelings or pain
Stays superficial with herself and others
Doesn't like to probe into the deep reality of her life or life in general
Avoids conflict by ignoring her authentic feelings and acts conciliatory
We might relate to more than one ego type or maybe one type in one situation & other type in other. Rooted to childhood fears of not being good enough & not feeling seen, loved or validated, ego is only protecting the fears of childhood.
Releasing Ego
When we are operating from our wounds, we act like a child yearning for validation, acceptance & approval from the external World. This is the face of the ego we are wearing. The way out of this is to reparent ourselves. It's for us to be the mothers & fathers to ourselves, the one we always wanted but never had! The path to releasing the ego is to know our true selves.
Redefining Purpose
According to the author, purpose is not something we need to find. It's in our Presence to this moment. And Presence is Authenticity & Inner Connection. Authenticity & Inner Connection happen through Self Acceptance which is to let go of perfection. Accepting our shadow sides & detaching from everyone & everything by surrendering to the As-Is. Coming Home to Ourselves is the Ultimate Goal of our Life.